Lately I have felt blah in my relationship with the Lord. During the 20 months that my Dad battled brain cancer, I was constantly on my knees before the Lord. The year and a half after his death, I wrestled with God. It was a great place to be, but very difficult. I came through all of that with a new understanding of who God is and a deeper love for him, but in my flesh I have allowed myself to dwell in the valley once again. The enemy of busyness, lack of sleep, and the sense of being overwhelmed by life has crept in and I have given into it.
The Lord has been pricking my heart. On the way to my doctor's appointment this past Thursday, I had Christmas music playing and an old Wayne Watson christmas song came on and I started balling. Feelings of joy for my Savior, but also feelings of inadequacy mixed in with longing for my earthly daddy. This year I am hosting Christmas at my house and how I would love for my Daddy to be here. I have been rather emotional lately which is partly due to hormones, but also because I know that the Lord is convicting me.
On Thanksgiving day, Matt Chandler, lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas, suffered a seizure and he found out that he has a tumor in the right frontal lobe of his brain. That is the exact location of dad's. He had surgery on Friday and is supposed to receive the pathology report this week. He is only 35 with 3 kids and is kind of a young John Piper. Ben and I were planning on hearring him preach the Sunday after Thanksgiving, since we were in Dallas, but then he had the seizure. He has written some things on his blog and also did a video that the elders showed the church this morning(http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/). While I watched the video and heard him talk about how he would love to be around 35 years from now, but if that is not God's plan that's okay because God is Enough, I began to question if I really feel that way. I even remember watching my Dad display full confidence in the Lord during his battle. Daddy was more in love with his Savior during his battle with cancer than I had ever seen before. That spoke volumes to me and yet I still struggle. If God truly is enough, then I should be in His word daily and in constant communion with him. I should do nothing apart from Him and yet so many days I try to do everything in my own strength and I wake up the same time the kids do and never open the Word. The Lord has reminded me too many times that life changes in an instant, but am I letting myself be changed?
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1 comment:
Thanks for sharing Ruth Lee. It can be such a battle can't it. God is so good to gently tap on our hearts and pursue us, that is all he wants from us is ourselves. Continue to fight through this time of blah and hang on to the fact that He is SO good, He will never give up on you.
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