Venting

Yesterday marks 10 months that Daddy went to be with the Lord. Some days it seems like forever since I've seen him and other days I expect him to answer the phone when I call and say "Hey Sissi Babe!" Just when I think I'm doing well with the healing process, I'll have a week like this past one. This week I've seemed to be emotional and tears came quickly. We had small group on Tuesday night and a couple of us shared our testimonies. I volunteered thinking I could handle it, but instead I balled my eyes out. I know that it is all for God's glory, but sometimes I just want to ask WHY. Why do I have to be without a Daddy, Hudson and Landon are without their Granddad and my mom is without her beloved - bottom line is that God is sovereign and I HAVE to trust in His plan.

My mom is attending her first Widows Banquet at church this Sunday and when she told me that I could hardly speak because tears were running down my face. Both she and I are not fans of the word widow. When you hear widow you think of an elderly lady and she is sure not that. I am on a quest to find a better word maybe the same word but in another language.

To be honest, throughout the last 10 months I have not been where I need to be spiritually. Part of that is also that my day is consumed with the boys, but that should be no excuse. On Friday, Hudson was at school and it was just Landon and I. On our way home I felt an excitement to spend time with God that I hadn't felt in awhile. I spent some time listening to worship music and praising Him through song. He is an Almight, Sovereign God who loves me and had a specific reason for Daddy's death. There is a saying that says, "When you can't trace His hand you can trust His heart" and that is what you have to do when faced with trials. I pray that I will embrace this trial and allow God to teach and mold me in the process.